Yeah, some people are affected by that more than others. I'm like you in that respect.
And you're right - quieter music is easier to keep from running amok. The louder it is, the more the room controls it.
Dell, have you considered running your monitor mix to some quality in-ear 'phones'? That way, no matter where you are, your performance always sounds basically the same - particularly with an in-guitar pickup. You're very minimally affected by the room itself. So that portion of the performance equation is handled everywhere you go. Of course, what the audience hears will almost certainly be completely different - and even different depending upon where they are located.
If you ever wanted to prove this to yourself, you could place a couple of mic stands in the audience in different places and use them to record your performance, each to its own track (don't forget to duct-tape the cords down tight). Record what is going to your in-ears too. Then, later, play them back - A-B-C-ing between them - to hear the difference.
The other thing that might do for you is help you adjust FOH to be better out there, rather than only on 'stage'. Single performers who engineer themselves are practically helpless in this respect. But if you play a place more than once, you might be able to zero-in on an at least better sound for them - although it will probably never sound as good as it does in your in-ear monitors. And, with SAC, you can save the FOH EQ version for that place and only use it there.
On the other hand, I guarantee you will hate the revelation that what they hear is nowhere near as good as what you do, and you can only improve it - not resolve it. So, maybe you shouldn't. Plus, what gets recorded will also change depending upon how many people are in the room, where they are while you play, etc. It's not a satisfying situation for obsessive people like us. At some point you just have to go with it and hope for the best.
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